OCTOBER SURPRISE.

Highway To Helvetica: Episode 1
Okay, so you and your friends finally got around to starting that band you’ve been meaning to get going since you were 14 and saw Robert Plant fuck his microphone stand on some live Led Zeppelin DVD playing in Best Buy and decided that “rock ‘n’ roll is the only thing that makes sense to me anymore, broooooo.” And guess what: you guys actually sound good! Your sound is a combination of punk rock and new wave, a style lauded greatly by such indie rock institutions as Pitchfork Media (we all know how valuable that “Pitchfork-bump” is).
Of course, we also know whether you sound good or not isn’t enough to get you ahead in the age of hyped-up buzz bands with only one MP3 to their name. You need an image that will suit your brand (because as we all know, they don’t call it the music business for nuthin’). Do you wanna be an internet buzz band? Do you want hipster bitches fawning over how many plays your Bandcamp page has? Well, you’re in luck. Without further ado, I present to you: MTHRFNKR’s Guide to Getting a BNM from Pitchfork.

1. Make sure the first track on your album is titled “Intro.”
*Bonus points*: it’s instrumental/nothing but drone/arpeggiated synth chords.
2. Have at least one track over 7 minutes long.
*Bonus points*: it’s the first song on the album.
3. Appear to have a major disdain for “indie rock” yet play music that sounds exactly like it.
4. Feature at least one random sax solo (Note: the expiration date for the sax solo’s ironic hipness is May 1st of this year, so you better get the ball rollin’).
5. OPEN UP YA OPEN UP YA OPEN UP YA OPEN UP YA OPEN UP YA OPEN UP YA
6. Make sure your lead singer doesn’t actually know how to sing. This will contribute to the quirkiness (probably the most important aspect of your band) and “raw emotion” of your sound. Of course, we all know it’s only so your fans (hipster douchebags) won’t feel so bad about not actually having any real talent themselves.
7. Release little to no information about yourselves. In this Internet Age, everyone is so used to knowing every little detail about people they’ve never even met in real life. Holding back such “vital info” shows the Corrupt Indie Machine that you won’t play be their rules, and are therefore “edgy as FUCK.” Being this mysterious will keep them on the edge of their seats, and incredibly randy for any bit of news about you they can scrounge up.
8. Be a crazy person.
9. No matter what style of music you play, when describing your genre to someone, add the word “post-” in front of it (post-rock, post-punk, post-dubstep, post-avant jazzcore, etc.). This will make you seem deeper than Courtney Love’s vagina.
10. Okay, just be Bradford Cox (You used to have to be Thom Yorke, but then TKOL came out. Also, DAT PONYTAIL, UGH…).

By Tucker Umbehagen

True

1st Apr 2012 | 99 notes

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—Jai Paul - jasmine (demo)

postdubstep:

Jai Paul - Jasmine
I couldn’t post this up right the second it came out, because I was busy planning my wedding with Romy Madley Croft. Anyway, this is a brand new tune by Jai Paul, it’s called “Kornelia”. I’m glad it came out, now I can finally stop emotionally harassing XL recordings by sending them 5 e-mails every day since 2010, saying that I need more material by Jai Paul. Yesterday, I was also standing in front of Jamie xx’s flat in Brixton, holding up a big sign that said “Release an EP with Fantastic Mr Fox biatch!”. I hope that like XL he is going to listen to me.